daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
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Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
These are too funny not to post 😂
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
the red hot silly peppers
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer