When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
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when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Great Canadian literature.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Customer is always right
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
<—- homeless romantic
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however