“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
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I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.