Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
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March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.