I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
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A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Science memes
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Lmfao
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?