[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
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*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”