My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
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Just say no
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off