I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
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*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room