fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
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Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
quarantine day 3
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.