There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
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I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Body by cheese-puffs.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”