Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
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OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Found the job I’m suited for
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?