Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
You Might Also Like
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!