If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
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I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign