[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
You Might Also Like
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
pls suprot
Expect the unexporcupine.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
These are my emotional support Pringles.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*