I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
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Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.