My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
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Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Danger is very dangerous
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol