wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
You Might Also Like
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
We decided to have money instead of children.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.