Lately I have the attention span of wait what
You Might Also Like
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫