Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
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I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.