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“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
I will never stop laughing at this
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I’m pretty like a car crash.