Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
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I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
ok hear me out: Luigiana
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it