The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
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People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.