me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
You Might Also Like
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.