Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
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“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Planet of the Apps.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.