went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
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*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Can’t, holding a grudge
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
August 8
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever