“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
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Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
two people or more is called a problem
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
I put the mess in domestic.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]