A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
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Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.