This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
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I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
This will never not be funny to me.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation