*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
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ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
The best shot in the history of golf
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Hot Panini is in big trouble
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.