Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
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Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.