When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
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Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
“You’d better run, egg!”
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
thinking about a very short hotdog
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Hmm, not sure about this change
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.