excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
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Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”