Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
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I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
We like the way Dwight thinks
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
I feel this so hard
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?