Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
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[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.