This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
You Might Also Like
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
sigh
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.