I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
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How do German people not choke to death when they talk
jeff bezos: i donβt like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earthβs resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…howβs everyoneβs bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Yoga isnβt as easy as youβd think a few drinks inβ¦
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Me: βIβd like to return this lube because it doesnβt work rightβ
Walmart associate: βMaβam, thatβs hand sanitizerβ
Person behind me: βIβll take it!β
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Def Leppard: βPour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of loveβ
Def Leppardβs Mom: βJust great! Now weβre going to have ants!β
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
βIβm sorryβ:
0:00πβββββββ0:06
β» β² β ‘ β³ βΊ
volume: β 5%β…butβ:
0:00πββββββββ70:28:54
β» β² β ‘ β³ βΊ
volume: βββββ ββ 100%
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when Iβm transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. Iβm in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until youβre exercising.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!