me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
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Always
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.