my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
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I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
my fav colour is also hitler
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom