I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
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interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.