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COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
time for some seasonal decor
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were