He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
You Might Also Like
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Watermelon Boss!
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.