when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
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5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.