Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
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What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
This is painfully accurate 😅
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Ok, but like, how married are you?
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it