If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
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You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.