how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
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Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Bread puns are on the rise!
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down