[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
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Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Writing, She Murdered.
my name if I was in the mob
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.