ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
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I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
our love story in four pictures
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”