Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
You Might Also Like
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Europe. Made in Germany.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
me irl
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
That’s classic.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.