I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
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My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?