[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
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*exercises sarcastically*
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
fixed it
Another interesting #factupdates post!
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively